2 am
I had once watched a movie that I don’t remember what the title was, but I do remember a quote from a girl; “Everything that comes after 2 am all is bad.” Seconds after hearing that, I pressed pause and thinking for a while.
I agreed with her, but it was not fully right.
After 2 am, I was thinking about Him. At 02:19, I tried to analyze how the future might be like, and I was thinking about how the present would affect the unknown things I hadn’t discovered.
I am thinking about the desire to be fulfilled while also thinking the way out to move from my house, the safest place I slowly hate. Not because of the bad things that have happened in my house, but it is full of pleasantness, it is too warm, it is too lovely until I‘m slowly worried to live here. “Until when do I need to live in my comfort zone?”
I believe everyone acknowledges how complex our brains are and I believe most of them are getting more complex after 2 am. But, is everyone aware of that? The thoughts that I give above actually want to convey two conclusions. In my opinion, the content of my thought before was getting wider, I was thinking about things I barely thought before, I was aware of it. But in the other side, I thought too far, I took things too serious until the good things were translated into burdens.
Sigmund Freud once stated about how we behave or the way we perceive something is formed by our experiences in the past. Meanwhile, Alfred Adler believes that what we do now have correlations with our desires in the future. Those theories come up with society’s agreements or rejections I don’t put my attention to, yet the theories have led me to swim in another after-2-am-thoughts’ room.
I or anybody can’t guarantee what I have experienced or the desires I have are the truth in the reality. What if all is slightly manipulated? Then, can I really trust my own mind? But, what if the manipulation is what I need to keep myself sane enough? Am I or is anybody capable enough to cope with the real truth?
I’m questioning myself, and answering it by myself after an hour of silence.
Yes, no one can make it sure what the truth is. It’s all about the deal between yourself and your surrounding, between one specimen and the others, even between you and your own mind. I think, I just put ‘truth’ not as its holistic definition anymore. Truth is all about the agreement after all.
I, a young adult, get stepped hard on my body by a sumo wrestler then I agree with myself; “it’s hurt”, and I will act crying or grimacing for a long time due to the effect. I react. But, why I choose to cry or grimace?
How about the baby Jeong In (the baby who was abused by her foster parents repeatedly until she was died)? Wounds and pain everywhere in her inner body but the baby acted cool like nothing happened. She was at the stage to treat her pain as if it was a normal thing. I have no idea, was it about her who couldn’t understand anymore much pain she had or there was no enough energy to react like a normal baby (c’mon man we talked about a sensitive creature)?
But one thing for sure, she had an agreement with herself about how to perceive the pain and how to react to it, and it was not same with the other ones. Well I think, I just drop an extreme example, but I hope whoever read this gets my point. The distinctions between what does the ‘pain’ mean to one person and the other with extreme age difference.
Then, where does the agreement come from? For me, basically it comes from the basic instinct and the environment, but the last one is more powerful. I believe I live in a system (the environment which is powerful to form the agreement). And, it leads me to the conclusion that the first thing to do to know my mind better, what I’ve agreed about, is to understand the system I live in. And as we know, we never learn the whole bottle if we are inside the bottle. You can’t see the light if you can’t sense the darkness.
I can’t guarantee to give myself the real truth, but I can sense all the agreements I choose and how it is formed.
The discussion ends. The 2-am-thoughts is all about myself who is wondering the space outside the circle of my own agreements and it’s not bad at all, because it feels like I am learning the system I live in.
I’m aware all this long words might be far from the truth, and there’s a lot of correlated spectrum that I don’t consider. I talk with low harmony of arrangement of words. After all, It’s just a piece of concept and I’m sure it will be changed by other agreements I have in the future.
Welcome to my after-2-am-thought, it’s already 04:51 am, let’s sleep!
